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 Replies: 32 / Views: 2,442 |
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Formerly nancyc
Australia
5385 Posts |
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "it's the $100 I owe you."
life is a mystery to be lived not a problem to be solved
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Pillar of the Community
United States
8904 Posts |
I had a lot of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face. (Cue the laugh track!)  |
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Pillar of the Community
United States
8904 Posts |
We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. Dan Quayle  |
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Pillar of the Community
United States
792 Posts |
These are actual answers on a McDonald's application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid's gonna go far.
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
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Rest in Peace
United States
2668 Posts |
About the only family friendly joke I know is the one about the cannibal what passed his brother in the woods.
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Pillar of the Community
Philippines
1156 Posts |
Once there were three kind, strong and generous brothers attending the sunday service. It has always been so, for they were truly faithful to their belief and known far and wide to be generous with their fortunes. As the alms box was passed and fastly approaching, they realized with complete and utter horror, that in haste for the service, their wallets were left behind, How to get out of such a predicament that is sure to merit stern looks. With prayers they looked upwards for salvation from this dire predicament, as the stress mounted with each passing second... as hand upon hand was filling the box... ...one brother fainted, and the other two carried him out. Oh! what a glorious delivery! |
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Valued Member
United States
125 Posts |
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still, was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Pillar of the Community
United States
1055 Posts |
What did the Girl Mushroom say to the Boy Mushroom?
Hey, are you a fungi?
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Pillar of the Community
United States
8904 Posts |
uouo77 wrote: Quote:
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes |
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Pillar of the Community
United States
3077 Posts |
2 cannibals are eating a clown
one asked the other "does this taste funny to you?"
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Pillar of the Community
United States
8904 Posts |
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
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Pillar of the Community
United States
8904 Posts |
(I know I can't win but this is fun!) Blonde talking: LAST YEAR I REPLACED ALL THE WINDOWS IN MY HOUSE, WITH THOSE EXPENSIVE DOUBLE-PANE ENERGY EFFICIENT KIND. BUT THIS WEEK I GOT A CALL FROM THE CONTRACTOR COMPLAINING THAT HIS WORK HAD BEEN COMPLETED A WHOLE YEAR AGO, AND I HAD YET TO PAY FOR THEM! BOY OH BOY, DID WE GO AROUND! JUST BECAUSE I'm BLONDE DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM AUTOMATICALLY STUPID! SO, I PROCEEDED TO TELL HIM JUST WHAT HIS FAST TALKING SALES GUY HAD TOLD ME LAST YEAR...THAT IN ONE YEAR THE WINDOWS WOULD PAY FOR THEMSELVES! THERE WAS A SILENCE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SO I HUNG UP AND I HAVEN'T HEARD BACK. |
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Moderator
  United States
56855 Posts |
Moe145, Your making my side hurt from all the laughing John1  |
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Valued Member
United States
290 Posts |
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Pillar of the Community
United States
1055 Posts |
Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen?
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Replies: 32 / Views: 2,442 |
First Page
Posted 09/06/2009 6:31 pm
