New Florida Quarter

You live in Florida if:

You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.

You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen
drawer.

Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti O's.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the
plywood covering your windows.

When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you
say it has three bedrooms, two baths, and one safe hallway.

Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.

You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.

The road leading to your house has been declared a 'No-Wake'
Zone.

You decide that your patio furniture looks better on
the bottom of the pool.

You own more than three large coolers.

You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane
and not feel the least bit guilty about it.

You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking
"It'll only take a gallon of gas to get there and back"

You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled
with water in your freezer

Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain;
today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.

You catch a 13-pound redfish ---- in your driveway.

You can recite from memory whole portions of your
homeowner's insurance policy.

At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy
with the biggest chainsaw.

You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.

There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.

You can rattle off the names of three or more
meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel and
every single newscaster and reporter at all of the
major stations in town.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Ice is a valid topic of conversation.

Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.

Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a
crazy idea.

You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.

You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer,
fence builder, or a tree worker.

You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit
during the summer.

Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you
didn't go to Ole Miss!

Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily
mean it's Christmas.

You know the difference between the "good side" of a
storm and the "bad side."

Your kids start school in August and finish in July.

You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the
air conditioning.

You get phone calls from family members saying they've
found bread at a store 6 miles away... and you hurry to get
there.

You wait in line for 45 minutes for a loaf of bread
and don't mind because at least you have bread.

A battery powered TV is considered a home
entertainment center




*****************************************************

Twas The Night Before Wilma

Twas the night before Wilma
When all through the state
Not a gas pump was pumping
Not a store open late

All the plywood was hung
On the windows with care
Knowing that a hurricane
Soon would be there

The children were ready
With flashlights in hand
While bands from the hurricane
Covered over the land

And mamma with her Mag-Lite
And I in my cap
Had just filled the bath tub
For flushing our crap

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from the closet
To see what was the matter

The trees on the fence
And the neighbor's roof torn
Gave the fear of us dying
In this terrible storm

With a little wind gust
So lively and quick
I remembered quite clearly
Our walls weren't brick

More rapid than eagles
Her courses they came
And she whistled, and wafted
And surged all the same
Off shingles! Off sidings!
Off rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences!
Down trailers! Down towers!
In the center of Florida
She continued to maul
Screaming Blow Away!
Blow Away! Blow Away All!

As wind ripped and tossed
The debris through the sky
I peeked out the shutters
At cars floating by

So go to the safe-room
My family did do
With a portable radio
And batteries too

And then, in a twinkling
I heard on the set
The end was not coming
For a few hours yet!

As I calmed down the kids
And was turning around
Through the window it came
With a huge crashing sound

A tree branch it was
All covered in soot
The wind blew it smack-dab
On top of my foot

A bundle of twigs
Now lay in a stack
And my living room looks
Like it was under attack

The wind - how it howled!
The storm - very scary!
Myself and the family
Were all too unwary
The dangers of hurricanes
Are serious, you know
They are taken for granted
As Frances did show

With the winds dying down
And the danger beneath
I noticed my tool shed
Was missing its sheath

So I grabbed my last tarp
And nailed it on down
Then I got in my car
And I headed to town

The traffic was awful
And stores had no ice
My five gallon cooler
Would have to suffice

Generators were scarce
Not one left in town
There were trees on the roads
And power lines down

FEMA was ready
With people to work
Electrical companies
Came in from New York

And in the midst of
This peculiar routine
Two others storms emerged
Named Alpha and Beta

I sprang to the car
And gave my family a whistle
Then away we all went
Like a Tomahawk missile

You could hear us exclaim
As we drove out of sight
"Fare well to this place,
Vermont seems just right!"