Prawn's Funniest Joke Or Story Competition - Closed - Page 2

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Author	Replies: 52 / Views: 5,534	Page: of 4

SeatedNut Pillar of the Community United States 2797 Posts	Posted 09/10/2007 12:15 pm Adam was feeling lonely in the Garden of Eden, and so God said:"I can create a woman for you." "What's that?" asked Adam. "Oh, it's something really nice", God replied. "Lovely to look at, gentle, kind, snuggly whenever you want it, never has a headache..." "Sounds great", said Adam, "but I bet it doesn't come cheap. What'll it cost me?" "An arm and a leg", God replied. Adam thought about it for a minute, then asked: "What can I have for a rib?" The rest is history... Report this Post to the Staff
SeatedNut Pillar of the Community United States 2797 Posts	Posted 09/10/2007 12:46 pm Ah the things children say ... Back when my kids were young (please don't ask me how long ago) we enjoyed playing board games as a family. On one very cold Montana evening we were gathered at the kitchen table playing Trivial Pursuit. My boys, ages 6 and 8 at the time, loved it when they teamed with Mom and Dad. So that night I was with the 8-year-old and the wife was with the 6-year-old. My youngest tried his best but just lacked the years and experience to know the answers to those tough questions. But this night was different. Normally he returns a blank stare, but on this question ... "When struck by lightning, which of the five senses would a person lose?" ... he blurted out the answer that patently made the most sense ... "Your sense of humor!" The expression of pride and confidence on his face was priceless. And even though the card said "smell", we all agreed he had the "Best" answer and earned his green wedge. Report this Post to the Staff
onejinx Pillar of the Community United States 1231 Posts	Posted 09/10/2007 8:40 pm Joke #1 Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head! Joke #2 RED-NECK VALENTINE'S LOVE POEM Collards? is green... my dog's name is Blue... And I am so lucky... to have a sweet thang like you... Yore hair is like cornsilk... a-flapping in the breez... Softer than Blue's... and without all them fleas... You move like the bass... which excite me in May... You ain't got no scales... but I luv you anyway... Yo're as satisfy'n as okry... jist a-fry'n in the pan... Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"... right out of the can... You have som'a yore teeth... for which I am proud... I hold my head high... when we're in a crowd... On special occasions... when you shave under yore arms... Well, I'm in hawg heaven... and awed by yore charms... Still them fellers at work... they all want to know... What I did to deserve... such a purdy, young doe... Like a good roll of duct tape... yo're there fer yore man... To patch up life's troubles... and fix what you can... Yo're as cute as a junebug... a-buzzin' overhead... You ain't mean like those "far" ants... I found in my bed... Cut from the best cloth... like a new, plaid flannel shirt... You spark up my life... more than a fresh load of dirt... When you hold me real tight... like a padded gunrack... My world is complete... Ain't nuthin' I lack... Yore complexion, it's perfection... like the best vinyl sidin'... Despite all them years... of yore age, it?s a-hidin'... Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie... with a RC cold drank... Why, we go together... like a skunk goes with stank... Some men, they buy chocolate... for Valentine's Day... They git it at Wal-mart... it's romantic that way... Some men git roses... on that special day... From the cooler at Kroger... "That's impressive," I say... Some men buy fine diamonds... from a flea market booth... "Diamonds are forever,"... they explain, suave and couth... But for this man, honey... those thangs just won't do... Ca! use yo're too special... you sweet-as-a-possum thang you... I got you a gift... without no taste or odor... More useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR ! Report this Post to the Staff
Jim1953 Pillar of the Community United States 2600 Posts	Posted 09/10/2007 9:03 pm An oxymoron poem: One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead men stood up to fight. Three bind men to see fair play. Forty mutes to yell "HOORAY". Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shoot the other. Reminds me of collecting coins for profit. Jim Report this Post to the Staff
karrlot Pillar of the Community United States 535 Posts	Posted 09/10/2007 11:27 pm A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Why the long face?" There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those that understand binary and those that don't. Funny Story: It was my 7 year olds first airplane ride, I was sitting next to my daughter. She looked up and saw all of the things above her head. She began to ask "whats that do?" "What's that for?" "Why is that there?" This is the sign that the pilot turns on when he wants you to sit down and buckle up. Because its bumpy? This sign says that you can't smoke. Because it stinks! This button turns on the light. So you can read! "Whats that do?" pointing to the button of a red stick figure holding a tray with a drink on it. Pointing to a button with a picture of a person holding a drink tray "This is the button you push if you want the flight attendant to come over." "Oh, for when you need an emergency drink!" Yup trying to get my family of 5 to the airport, return the rental car, check the bags, through security, and onto an airplane: that's what we needed - Emergency Drinks! Report this Post to the Staff
triggersmob Pillar of the Community Australia 9406 Posts	Posted 09/11/2007 06:36 am How about some nursery rhymes. (with a twist) Jack and Jill Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Don't know what they did up there but now they've got a Daughter. Humpty Dumpty Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the Kings horses and all the Kings men, said,"stuff him, he's only an egg". Hickory Dickory Dock Hickory Dickory Dock, two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one, the other managed to get away. Mary Had A Little Lamb Mary had a little lamb, Her Father shot it dead. Now it goes to School with her, between two hunks of bread. Steve Report this Post to the Staff
triggersmob Pillar of the Community Australia 9406 Posts	Posted 09/11/2007 6:51 pm A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it, as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !" Steve Report this Post to the Staff
Gary Burke Rest in Peace United States 3730 Posts	Posted 09/13/2007 04:39 am I was talking to my brother the other day and told him I couldn't go to lunch with him because I had something I had to do. "What's that," he asked. "I have to get a haircut" I said. He replied, "Why don't you get them all cut?" Edited by Gary Burke 09/13/2007 04:40 am Report this Post to the Staff
triggersmob Pillar of the Community Australia 9406 Posts	Posted 09/13/2007 07:43 am Gary, if you're like me, you don't have that many to get cut. Steve Report this Post to the Staff
crzy3by Valued Member Philippines 156 Posts	Posted 09/13/2007 07:50 am 20 years ago,(I was 8 years old then) my younger brother and I stood in front of a two (almost) same length tree and agreed to have a climbing competition. We set ourselves ready and started climbing. Since I'm much taller and faster, I reached the top first! I looked and yelled at him laughing "I won! I won!" He just couldn't accept his defeat so when we're at same level at the top of the tree he yelled back, "First to go down wins!" As soon as I nodded my head in agreement, he jumped all the way down spraining his ankle and heard him cried out in pain, "I won! I won! Now we're QUITS! " then walked away crippling. Report this Post to the Staff
Snooba Pillar of the Community Australia 1360 Posts	Posted 09/14/2007 08:36 am crzy3by, That is hilarious! I can remember doing that sort of thing when I was competing with my brothers and sisters. Report this Post to the Staff
muckeye Rest in Peace Australia 661 Posts	Posted 09/14/2007 08:50 am It's going to be a good chance Report this Post to the Staff
mathman Valued Member United States 179 Posts	Posted 09/14/2007 08:52 am So Jesus, Moses and an old guy were playing golf one day... The third hole is a long par three with a pond right in front of the green. Moses is up first. He hits his tee shot and the ball is heading straight for the pond. Moses lifts his 3-iron above his head with both hands and the waters of the pond separate and the ball hits dry ground and bounces up on the green 15 feet from the hole. "Nice shot," replies Jesus. Jesus is up next. He hits his drive and it is heading straight for the pond. The ball hits right in the middle of the pond, but it rolls right across the top of the water and up on the green, 5 feet from the hole. "Nice shot," says Moses. The old guy hits his shot. It too is heading straight for the pond. Splash! The ball hits the water and disappears into the depths. Jesus and Moses start walking toward the green. A large eagle suddenly swoops down and grabs a fish out the pond and starts to fly off. The fish is struggling mightly and amazingly a golf ball falls out of its mouth and lands about hundred yards past the green. Before the ball can come to rest a squirrel runs up and grabs the ball runs to a tree close to the green. The squirrel scampers up the tree. From out of nowhere there is a flash of lightning and a branch of the tree is snapped off. The squirrel happens to be on the branch, and when it hits the ground the ball is jarred loose from the squirrels grip. The ball rolls straight for the hole, circles the edge and falls in for a hole-in-one. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad." Report this Post to the Staff
chrycopaul Pillar of the Community Canada 1106 Posts	Posted 09/14/2007 09:02 am What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Eleph - ino Report this Post to the Staff
madspec Valued Member United States 376 Posts	Posted 09/14/2007 5:21 pm Jack--- "What is the difference between an elephant and a bunch of grapes?" Jill--- " I don't know Jack--- "Remind me not to send you after a bunch of grapes!" Three men climbed a mountain, while on the top of the mountain they found a bottle and when they took out the cork a genie came out. I will grant you each a chance to be any thing you want to be, all you have to do is run to the edge of the cliff and when you jump yell out what you want to be. The first man loved nature so he ran to the cliff and just as he jumped he yelled "Eagle", he turned into a beautiful eagle and flew away. The second man loved song birds so he ran to the cliff and yelled as he jumped "Song Bird" and he turned into a beautiful yellow song bird. The third man loved prehistoric animals so he wanted to be a Pterodactyl so he ran to the cliff edge but just as he made the last step his foot caught in a vine and he started to fall and he yelled "Crap" madspec Edited by madspec 09/14/2007 5:22 pm Report this Post to the Staff
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