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 Replies: 52 / Views: 5,532 |
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Valued Member
United States
367 Posts |
joke 1
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
joke 2
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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Pillar of the Community
United States
595 Posts |
This happened when I was about 9 years old.
I was playing with some kids in our neighborhood at the vacant lot where we always hung out. One of the kids had brought some matches and we were burning things -- wood and paper and boxes, anything we could find. Basically, we were playing with fire.
Then I saw our family car coming down the block with my mother behind the wheel, so I quickly walked toward it, trying to head her off because I knew I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing. My mother said she had to go to the store and wanted me to go with her.
The jeans and T-shirt I was wearing were smutty from the smoke and ashes, so I got into the back seat so she wouldn't see how dirty I was. In those days kids always wanted to sit in the front, and she asked me why I had gotten into the back seat. I don't remember now what I said, but she let it go.
After we had gone about half a block, my mother said, "Do you smell something burning?" I said, "No," real innocently -- I figured she was smelling the smoke on my clothes, but then I looked down and saw that my pant leg was on fire.
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Pillar of the Community
United States
792 Posts |
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?  Anybody can roast beef....  |
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Pillar of the Community
United States
792 Posts |
True Story Last year, I was taking some trash to the dump. The old man that tells you where to put stuff at was sitting outside doing his job. As I was throwing bags of trash in the dumpsters, I asked him where do I put the dead bodies. I figured he'd chuckle or something, but he said without a smile "I reckon you need to take 'em to the landfill. Do you have enough bags?" I thought he was joking but he was actually on the way to get them. I told him I was only kidding and he didn't say a word, and never smiled...  Edited by brefos77
09/16/2007 12:32 pm
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Rest in Peace
Australia
661 Posts |
Can't resist one though not part of the contest.
Supposedly a true story from wartime England.
Winston Churchill and Lady Astor, who were constantly sparring, were at a dinner .
Later in the evening Lady Astor leaned across to Churchill and said,"Churchill, your disgusting, your drunk".
He replied,"Madam, that may well be, but you are ugly. However in the morning I will be sober".
regards,
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Valued Member
United States
159 Posts |
I must say that I split a gut reading the GM-Microsoft story, but I'll throw in a couple of items just for ****s and giggles.
The Nine stages of Life
Not old enough to know better
old enough to know better
Not old enough to know
old enough to know
Not old enough
old enough
Not old
old
Not
and finally:
"Ode to a Martini Drinker"
Starkle, Starkle, little twink.
Who the hell you are I think.
I'm not under what you call
the affluence of incohol.
I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep.
I'm only a little slort of sheep.
So pass the mixer and kill my fup.
I've all day sober to Sunday up!
Edited by tmor
09/17/2007 7:23 pm
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Formerly nancyc
Australia
5385 Posts |
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
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Pillar Of The Community
Turkey
1205 Posts |
Sir Wiston Churchill is expected to make a statement to the public.
He takes a cab and tells the driver to head for the BBC studios, when they arrive, Churchill asks the driver if he can wait for him (you know the terrible rains of England)
The driver says " I need to go home, Churchill will be speaking to the public on the radio, I want to catch that"
Churchill understands that the driver didn't recognise him, but he is also flattered by his statement.
He pays for the taxi fee and gives the driver a great tip.
Driver looks at the money he was given, and says;
"Nevermind Churchill, I'm waiting for you right here sir"
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Formerly nancyc
Australia
5385 Posts |
A Biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms.
For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said," What do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said "If you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
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Formerly nancyc
Australia
5385 Posts |
For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event. Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, "Lucas, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?
"Lucas burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
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New Member
 Australia
32 Posts |
thankyou I am trying to chose a winner  |
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New Member
Australia
32 Posts |
quote:
Three men climbed a mountain, while on the top of the mountain they found a bottle and when they took out the cork a genie came out. I will grant you each a chance to be any thing you want to be, all you have to do is run to the edge of the cliff and when you jump yell out what you want to be. The first man loved nature so he ran to the cliff and just as he jumped he yelled "Eagle", he turned into a beautiful eagle and flew away. The second man loved song birds so he ran to the cliff and yelled as he jumped "Song Bird" and he turned into a beautiful yellow song bird. The third man loved prehistoric animals so he wanted to be a Pterodactyl so he ran to the cliff edge but just as he made the last step his foot caught in a vine and he started to fall and he yelled "Crap"
winner is madspec
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Rest in Peace
Australia
661 Posts |
Hi Prawn and all others who offered a joke or story in the competition.
Congratulations to 'madspec' on your win.
I would also like to congratulate 'garylcsr' on coming in second. Your joke of the 'Circle Flies and the Trooper' really touched a spot with me.
Thank you for allowing me to select the second placegetter Prawn.
regards all,
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Pillar of the Community
Australia
9404 Posts |
Thanks for the contest, Prawn. Congratulations to Madspec and Garylcsr. Steve  |
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Pillar of the Community
United States
1713 Posts |
Thanks for the contest! I really had fun reading through all of these!
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Replies: 52 / Views: 5,532 |
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Posted 09/16/2007 12:11 am
